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The American Fertility Association Blog
A Message From The Acting Executive Director
June 6, 2008 - Friday
Posted by Ken
August 13, 2004 – I remember the day well. Our marriage was declared null and void by the State of California.
We weren’t alone. Others received the same notice that we did. We were part of a few thousand gay and lesbian couples who were married at City Hall in San Francisco, when Mayor Gavin Newsom took a bold stance for marriage equality.
Having the state tell us that our marriage wasn’t worth the paper it was written on wasn’t unexpected, but it was shocking nonetheless.
Though we had been together for 10 years, those seven months or so had felt different. We began talking about what it meant to be married, to have that piece of paper that said we were bound – in the very best way – to each other. Yes, we had a commitment ceremony at our church, and yes, we knew we were married in the eyes of God, but that damned piece of paper and what it represented – the rights and privileges the we had only dared to dream that we might one day possess – meant more than we could have imagined.
And then there were the practical benefits that our straight counterparts never had to think about. We couldn’t travel without carrying all of our documents with us: durable powers of attorney, both medical and legal, and our wills. Why? Because, should an emergency befall one of us, our 10 year relationship would be considered nothing more than a “friendship” at the Emergency Room, and we would have absolutely no say in each others care, and no right to be present with each other, even if one of us was dying.
May 15, 2008 - The California Supreme Court strikes down the ban on so-called “gay marriage.” Another day I will remember extremely well. A moderately conservative Republican majority court went so far as to declare that any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation will be constitutionally suspect. It was a spectacular day for human rights, human dignity and human justice.
Chief Justice Ronald M. George, writing for the majority, stated “Our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation. An individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.”
For gay and lesbian couples with children, or wishing to have children, this is fantastic news. It means that as a married couple they will automatically have co-equal parental rights. It means that they will have access to health insurance for an adopted child from the time it is placed in their home, not the average of six months later, when the adoption is final. This is something that married, heterosexual couples never had to contend with.
It means that estate planning and probate law, both of which are state-based, will now apply equally to gay and lesbian married couples. Children will have dependant rights from both dads and both moms, and there will be no concern about inheritance issues.
In short, marriage will confer what it is intended to confer: security for the couple and protection for their children.
Unfortunately, being a married gay couple will still not be equal to being a married straight couple, because the rights and responsibilities conferred from a federal level will not apply. So things such as survivor benefits from social security and Cobra (continuing employer health insurance after a job loss), are only available to one man, one woman marriages. Registered domestic partners in California have been able to file joint state tax returns for the past year, and this right will continue as marriage for same gender couples becomes legal. But state-based marriage equality will not allow for joint federal tax filing, creating another layer of paperwork for gay and lesbian couples.
But it is a great start and a great day for all families. Children of married gay parents will now have a vocabulary in common with their friends who have opposite gender parents. They can say their parents are married – literally – and mean it. That common language cannot be underestimated. It will be heard by children when married gay parents talk to married straight parents. Terms like husband and wife will become orientation-neutral.
I was also struck by hearing one child say he loved Family Week—an annual gathering of 2,000 primarily LGBT parents and their kids — because for one time every year, his family was just like other families. Last week’s decision in California is going to have a profound impact on this child and thousands of other children. The gender of their parents will become less of an issue over time, and we all will be able to look at families through a different lens: one that focuses on love, commitment, generosity and kindness, and time spent with children, more than sexual orientation or gender.
May 15, 2008 was a very good day, indeed. It was, at its very heart, a day that expanded the rights of, and protections for, children. And that is something that should make all of us, gay and straight alike, very happy.
Until next time,
Ken Mosesian
Acting Executive Director
Categories
Gay and Lesbian Family Building •
LGBT •
Marriage
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Amazing Journey
May 17, 2008 - Saturday
Posted by Ken
It’s a spectacular morning in Phoenix. The sun is shining and the desert is in full bloom. Before moving here from Los Angeles a few years ago I would never have guessed that a cactus sprouts flowers in the Spring, but like so much of life, there are unexpected moments at every turn.
Over the past few years of working with The AFA, I’ve learned more than I can recount from many of you who generously shared the stories of your unexpected moments - some joyful, some disappointing - and I am grateful to you for teaching me and indeed, this organization, and in the process helping all of us to grow.
As I sit here staring at the new AFA website, only one click away from launch, I’m filled with the hope that it becomes a truly relevant and useful place for all of you. I hope that people start to talk about this site as a place where community is formed and gathers, a safe place to connect, to build relationships, and to gain the kind of knowledge that helps those who visit make informed decisions about the unexpected moments that they’re facing. And on the flip side, I’ve got some fear going on as well, wondering if the seeds that this dedicated staff of 5 people planted during the winter will come to fruition. Wondering if the website and our programs will reach and touch you in the way we hope they will.
For me this is the moment that I’ve heard referred to as “living in the question.” Being with life, as it is - and as it is not.
So here’s to an amazing Spring and Summer. To unexpected moments of joy. To dreams fulfilled. And to making the journey together.
Ken Mosesian
Acting Executive Director
Categories
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Life Is Change
March 4, 2008 - Tuesday
Posted by Ken
Change. It’s a word that both inspires and terrifies. On one hand there’s the opportunity for growth and adventure, on the other, we’re called out of the familiar and the comfortable.
And yet all of life is change. In the few seconds that it took you to read the sentences above, we have all changed. We’re older, cells have died and been recreated, new thoughts have emerged, and old ones have been rekindled. The only constant in life, the saying goes, is change.
Organizations experience change as well, and I’m writing to share with you the changes that have taken place at The AFA. As some of you may know, Pamela Madsen, The AFA’s founder, recently resigned her position as Executive Director. As she stated in her farewell blog, “I have given everything that I had to give.”
Her contributions to The AFA were considerable, and her commitment to those facing reproductive challenges unsurpassed. So I acknowledge all that Pam did to bring The AFA from infancy to this point in its growth. Simply stated, we could not have gotten here without her.
Though Pam is no longer with the organization, the rest of the staff remains, fully committed to taking the good work that has been done and building upon it.
I was hired, two years ago, to consult with The AFA to help position the organization for growth and development in a rapidly changing field. Now, the board has asked that I continue to work with them as the Acting Executive Director while a dedicated board committee conducts a national search. The committee members have invited me to formally apply for the position, which I intend to do.
I am certain that the board will hire the most qualified person to fill the position of Executive Director, and regardless of the outcome, I will work with The AFA - in whatever capacity the boards requests of me - to help guide this organization through an incredibly exciting time in its history.
It is a great privilege to continue to work with such tremendously dedicated staff members and board of directors who are focused on working together to deliver the very best education and support services possible, and to effectively advocate for your interests at every opportunity.
During the past few months, this unique team of staff, volunteers and board members has continued and expanded the work of The AFA, producing three separate e-Newsletters, answering support line phone calls, conducting phone-coaching sessions, producing the first Family Matters San Francisco Conference, and building alliances with other non-profits across the country.
There’s much more to report, including an updated website, an expanding mission to help lift the conversation about fertility into the larger conversation about reproductive health care, an emphasis on preventing STDs in order to protect fertility, the relationship between fertility and the environment and our work with the lesbian and gay communities in their efforts to create families. And of course, our core work with people who are experiencing reproductive challenges.
Thank you for your support. You have my word that you can count on us to continue to earn your trust and respect every day, to produce the best quality work possible, and to do it all with integrity.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions at: Ken.Mosesian@TheAFA.org
Working together, we can make a difference—for good.
Categories
Fertility •
Fertility and the Environment •
IVF •
LGBT •
Reproductive Health
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Within Reach
February 26, 2008 - Tuesday
Posted by Lisa
As I sit here this morning working and I take the occasional glance out my window at the beautiful blue sky, the buds on the trees beginning to form and the occasional robin sitting on a tree branch, I realize that Spring will be here before we know it. It will be time to turn the clocks ahead and have that extra bit of daylight when the work day is over and who doesn’t love and count down the days for that? Everyone will be outside planting flowers and working in their gardens, planning outdoor picnics and parties, going on hikes, camping, boating and all that goes along with the beautiful weather. It is all just slightly out of our reach but we know it is coming and will be here before we know it.
As I turn back to my computer I realize with all the fun things that come with the warmer weather, it doesn’t change the fact that there are so many of you out there that feel as though something else is just out of your reach. That there is emptiness and a longing for something and that something is starting a family.
I have a support line caller that I hear from at least once a month. She wrote me a beautiful poem about her struggles to have a child. I would like to share some of it with you.
When I woke up this morning to make my cereal and tea,
I felt someone tapping on my shoulder, like they had something for me to see.
When I turned around there was no on there,
Instead I noticed outside my window a beautiful site to bear.There were some sparrows making up their spring nest
In a house I built for them in the fall.
I suddenly felt this warm, familiar feeling come over me--
Maybe I’m going to be ok after all.
I knew right away who the touch was from--
I guess it didn’t take long for my Guardian Angel to come.Sometimes you’ll take the deepest risks
For the ultimate rewards in life,
And sometimes you’ll do it against all odds
Regardless of the possible pains and strife.
Ken, Melinda, Corey, Anne and I have so much more work to do for all of you. We at The AFA are so dedicated to our mission and want to make your journey easier. We want to help you make the best informed decisions possible and to help make your dreams come true. We want to make a difference and help make it possible for you to grasp what you felt was once out of reach. We want to help you fill that nest that you have started to build.
With love always,
Lisa
Categories
Adoption •
Family Building
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A Love Letter from San Francisco
February 13, 2008 - Wednesday
Posted by Corey
Happy Valentine’s Day. I wish all of you love. Love from your partners, from your children, and most especially, from your children to come. Love of self. Love of life.
Valentine’s Day and all that it represents was heavy on my mind last Sunday, at The AFA’s first Family Matters Conference in San Francisco. I didn’t know if I would be writing a love letter today, or my own obituary! But the Conference was a smashing success, far beyond our own expectations. People poured out of their homes and drove into the beautiful national park which is the Presidio.
Truly, our faculty, comprised of compassionate, knowledgeable physicians and attorneys, as well as other reproductive health professionals, changed people’s lives on Sunday.
For me, the seminal moment came at the end of the day. A young couple; beautiful, polished, in fabulous clothing (you know them, right? The kind that you see walking down the street and you just know that they have it all? That couple) came up to me and said that they had been trying to have a baby for two years, and couldn’t. They just couldn’t. They said that they had learned more in that one day at the Presidio than they had in the past two years of trying. And I remembered. Oh that’s right, this is why I do this work. This for me, represents one of the greatest loves of my own life. Love of purpose.
Please know that like the rest of the staff of The AFA—Ken, Melinda, Anne and Lisa, my purpose, our collective purpose, is to support you, in making your fondest dream come true.
Love always,
Corey
Categories
Adoption •
Family Building
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