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Ryan
And Anna, Two Half Siblings Meet
By Wendy Kramer
I was sitting at my desk one day this past February when
I saw the posting for donor #1058 come through the Donor
Sibling Registry’s website. My heart skipped a beat.
Immediately I called Ryan into the room. He recognized
the tone in my voice right away. The posting was written
by a 13-year-old girl. Uh oh.
We had been through two half-sibling near-misses already.
Both times, the parents refused to let the meeting happen.
Both times,
Ryan was devastated. The whole reason we had established
the Donor Sibling Registry was so that Ryan
could hopefully find and meet a half sibling. After years
of waiting and watching so many others connect on the site
it actually looked like he might be the 2,910th person
on the DSR to match. Would the third time be the charm
for Ryan? Could this 13–year-old posting on the DSR
under #1058 be the one?
As DSR director,
I first had to check, as I would with any posting of
someone under 18, that she had her parent’s
permission to do this. As I was typing my message, I received
this from Anna's mother:
"Dear Wendy,
My daughter, Anna, just responded to a posting by you regarding
donor number 1058. This is the first time we have explored
the registry and are very anxious to find out if your
son is indeed a match.
My husband and I allowed Anna to register herself last
night, with our supervision. She is 13-years-old, and was
born on May 22nd, 1993. Our donor was a Mechanical Engineering
student. He was born in 1967. He has one brother who is
a pilot. Does any of this sound familiar to you?
As you can imagine, we are looking forward to a response
and hope to hear from you soon.
Regards,
Ann Marie (Anna's Mom)
Robert ( Anna's Dad)"
Another message from Anna herself arrived simultaneously:
" On the posting page you and I are in a pale yellow box,
both with donor number 1058. Does this mean that there
is a match?"
Oh, the surge
of relief that washed over Ryan and me. This young girl
not only had her parents’ perimission,
they seemed as excited as we were to have found the match.
Call it destiny, but Anna shares the same birthday with
Ryan. As I was serving a three-year-old Ryan his Superman
birthday cake, Anna was being born 2000 miles away.
Within seconds, I emailed Ann Marie and gave her my work
number. Within 30 minutes -- she waited for Bob to come
home from work -- she called. Ryan had already gone back
to school so he missed this first phone contact.
We were giddy. And in shock. I told her that even though
were essentially strangers, we shared something so precious.
We quickly traded a few bits about each of our kids, Anna
asked to speak with me so that she could ask questions
about the other half siblings that we knew about.
Later that evening Ryan and Anna linked up on My Space.
They IM-ed. Over the next few weeks Ann Marie and I had
several phone calls and eventually we got everyone for
a telephonic pow-wow. We talked about the possibility of
meeting. We all wanted that to happen ASAP.
Talk about synchronicity.
ABC Televsion’s “Primetime” wanted
to update a story that they had done more than four years
ago about Ryan and the beginnings of the DSR. This was
a golden opportunity.
Six weeks after Anna found Ryan, we were making plans
to fly to NY to meet in Central Park and spend two days
getting to know each other in New York City.
Excitement was running high. Ryan bought Anna a University
of Colorado sweatshirt. The morning of the meeting each
family had a camera crew to walk with towards Central Park.
The show staff had set a meeting place but our two families
bumped into each other walking along the park road.
It was tremendous.
We all hugged. The smiles on Anna's and Ryan's faces
were beatific. It was like they sensed "home" in
each other. There was an undeniable bond and recognition
of the familiar. We parents scoured the faces of the kids,
looking for resemblances.
It was very
emotional, to say the least. I was overwhelmed with gratitude
for Anna's parents’ honesty with their
daughter and how they honored her curiosity and need to
search and connect with Ryan. While Ann Marie and I had
a more obvious bond, I was deeply moved by Bob’s
willingness to put aside any possible fears or concerns
about Anna finding her biological family. In this matter,
he made his daughter more important than anything else.
That is the best dad anyone could want.
We spent the first hour or so asking each other questions,
taking pictures and comparing notes. We spend the next
48 hours getting to know each other and marveling at the
similarities (and differences) in Ryan and Anna. It was
clear to us, that even though we had just met, that we
were connecting as family. Strange to be getting to know
family for the first time.
We were laying the groundwork for a lifelong relationship.
We made it clear that Ryan and Anna would be defining the
terms and that there was no pressure for it to look a certain
way. We told them that as they matured, that relationship
would certainly evolve. We parents would execute the logistical
plans, but based only on the desires of both Anna and Ryan.
Anna wore her CU sweatshirt with pride, despite the 75
degree weather.
It was interesting
that both she and Ryan referred to each other as "brother" and "sister".
We parents had been using "half brother" and "half
sister". When we were talking about what their kids
would be to each other, I suggested "half cousins".
Anna just looked at me and said, "No. Just cousins".
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Carolyn
Berger, LCSW |
International
Adoption: An Ever-Changing Landscape
By Carolyn Berger, LCSW, with Sam Pitkowsky
The interest in intercountry adoption among prospective
U.S. parents has never been greater. And right now, China,
Guatemala and Russia are the hot countries. But the adoption
landscape within those countries is shifting fast, giving
rise to rumor and inaccurate or conflicting information.
So what exactly is happening in those places?
CHINA
China remains open for adoption, but as of May 1st, the
requirements for adoptive parents tightened. In simple
supply-and-demand terms, prospective adoptive parents
reportedly outnumber the available children, giving China
the opportunity to be choosier about the foreigners wishing
to adopt.
In
brief, the new regulations limit adoption to:
- Married
heterosexual couples, married for at least two
years.
- People
no younger than 30 and no older than 50. If they are
adopting a special needs child, the age
cap
rises up
to 55.
- Both
partners must be physically and mentally fit. The Chinese
government lists specific physical and
mental disqualifying
- There
are financial requirements, too, in terms of the couple’s
annual income, value of assets, and employment.
- Prospective
adoptive parents must have high school educations or
the equivalent in vocational training.
- They
must have fewer than five children under the age of 18,
with
the youngest being at least
a year
old. Exceptions
are made for couples adoption a special needs
child.
- Neither
partner may have a significant criminal record
- Each
partner must have a history of “honorable
behavior and good character,” with
no evidence of violent behavior or drug
or alcohol addiction.
- The
couple must demonstrate the ability to provide a warm
family environment in
which a child’s needs
can be met.
- They
must provide an adoption letter making clear that they
will allow
post-
placement
follow-ups and provide
post-adoption reports as required.
China has, in
its own way, tried to ensure that its orphans are brought
into safe and loving families in the US. Unfortunately,
these rules exclude many Americans who thought they would
adopt there—and who would probably have been excellent
parents. That being said, if you don’t meet China’s
current requirements, you should begin to look elsewhere.
(The
entire list of regulations can be found at the US State
Department website, travel.state.gov/family).
GUATEMALA
For now, Guatemala remains open for adoption. The big questions
is, for how long. Guatemala is trying to reform its current
international adoption system so that there is more oversight
and it meets the standards of the Hague Convention Protection
of Children and Cooperation in Respect of Intercountry
Adoption.
The importance of the Hague Convention cannot be overestimated
when trying to understand international adoption. It was
designed to ensure the safety of orphans worldwide by requiring
all signatories to have a central office to oversee all
adoptions within their borders. One primary goal is to
protect these children world from unscrupulous adoption
practices. Another is to prepare prospective parents, through
training sessions at their US adoption agencies, to parent
children who come to them after living in orphanages and
foster care. Given that vast majority of adoptive parents
are not aware of the effects of institutionalization or
how to help their children adjust to life in a new country,
this an especially welcome provision.
Guatemalan notaries have been criticized for conflicts of interest while acting
as judge, liaison with birth mother, and referral agent for prospective parents.
These conflicts give rise to charges of unethical practices, that coupled with
the lack of government oversight, leave children, birthmothers and adoptive
parents vulnerable. Another issue of concern is the unregulated foster care
system. The US Department of State has warned that Guatemalan adoptions by
US citizens will not be allowed under law unless legislation is passed to correct
this. So, while adoption is ongoing in Guatemala, the Department of State recommends
against beginning the process there because its adoption program could close.
RUSSIA
The situation in Russia is complicated in a different way.
The Ministry of Education, which oversees all Russian
adoptions, is in the process of accrediting agencies
in the United States. US applications for accreditation
have to be reviewed not only by the Ministry of Education
but by the Ministries of Health, Interior, Justice and
Foreign Affairs as well. Reportedly, the accreditation
process is tangled in bureaucratic red tape because the
various ministries are not always working in concert.
As a result, Russia has stopped accepting applications
for accreditation from American adoption agencies while
it addresses its issues. To date, not a single American
adoption agency has been accredited.
Again, the advice of leading professionals is to refrain
from inaugurating a Russian adoption and investigate other
country options. If you have already begun the process
with an agency, you can still adopt there legally by completing
the process independently. As with Guatemala, the Department
of State advises people interested in Russian adoption
to keep checking their website for up-to-date information.
CHILDREN EVERYWHERE
While
many Americans are disappointed by the changes that have
occurred in
China, Guatemala and Russia, the positive
news is that in restructuring their programs, these countries
are trying to improve the way they place and care for their
children. It’s a goal all of us can support without
reservation.
It is important to remember there are children all over
the world who desperately need stable and caring families.
Many people are turning to South Korea, Ethiopia and
Vietnam among the possible country options.. Others are
reconsidering adopting domestically either independently
or through agencies as global changes push the U.S. to
look inward.
For the most
current and reliable information about the ever-changing
international adoption situation, turn to
the U.S. State Department of State website (travel.state.gov/family).
Another dependable source is the Joint Council on International
Children’s Services website (jcics.org). The JCICS
is a leading voice on intercountry children’s services,
advocating on behalf of children needing permanent, safe
and embracing families.
Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is the Adoption Coordinator of The
AFA. She has two sons, one through birth and the other
through independent domestic adoption.
Sam Pitkowsky,
is Co-President of the Adoptive Parents Committee NYC.
He has two daughters, one adopted from Honduras
and one from the Dominican Republic. He is a Board Member
of JCICS. On Tuesday, May 29th Sam Pitkowsky will be featured
on The AFA Online Educational Session “Ask the Adoption
Expert,” 8-9 pm. For more information about the Adoptive
Parents Committee, see www.adoptiveparents.org
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TALK
ABOUT IT:
Honest Conversations With Your Teen About Sex
Nicole Noyes, MD TKTK
Talking to teens and young adults about sex can be challenging,
if not impossible. As the sixth of seven children, I
heard plenty about sex. But not from my parents. Their
approach to the topic was to avoid, avoid, avoid. Now,
after two decades as a practicing gynecologist and infertility
specialist, I’ve learned to appreciate that knowledge,
painful or not, is power. After all the things I’ve
seen and treated, I’ve become something of a crusader
on the subject. The only way we can help protect our
children is to arm them with the facts.
So to help you
get your sea legs, here’s a primer
to help you get comfortable with issues related to teenage
sexual behavior.
It is estimated that approximately 19 million new cases
of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) occur each year
in the United States, half of these occurring in young
people aged 15 to 24 years. STIs are transmitted through
intimate physical contact including oral, anal or vaginal
sex. To date, the majority of STI cases have resulted from
heterosexual (one male with one female) vaginal intercourse
due to one infected partner.
We know that most very young teenagers do not have sex.
However, many older teenagers, meaning above the age of
15, have engaged in some kind of sexual activity. According
to a recent survey, 25% of teenagers (both guys and girls)
have had intercourse by the age of 15, 50% by the age of
17 and 75% by the age of 19.
It’s imperative
that teens be taught to think about safe sex and using
contraception when contemplating intimate
physical contact. Research shows that about 75% of teenage
girls use contraception the first time they have intercourse
but this percentage falls off dramatically as teenagers
become more sexually active. Many teenagers only use contraception
sporadically.
Consistency is critical. Not using protection and birth
control whenever having sex can be dangerous because it
increases the risks of unwanted pregnancy and contracting
sexually transmitted infections. A sexually active teenage
girl who does not use contraception for one year has a
90% chance of becoming pregnant in that time period! Regrettably,
almost 1 million American teenage girls become pregnant
each year. The majority of these pregnancies are unwanted,
and half of them are ultimately terminated.
All individuals (adults and teenagers) who engage in sexual
activities are at risk for contracting a sexually transmitted
infection (STI). Teenagers who engage in vaginal intercourse
are especially susceptible to STIs. In fact, 25% of sexually
active teens acquire one or more sexually transmitted infections.
Condom use each and every time one has sex definitely lowers
transmission of sexually transmitted infections.
Pelvic inflammatory
disease (“PID”) is a term
used to describe an upward traveling infection in the female
body that results from vaginal intercourse with an infected
partner. This infection causes fallopian tube, ovarian
and/or pelvic damage. PID causes pus to develop in the
fallopian tubes (and sometimes ovaries). The fallopian
tubes can swell and form one or more abscesses. The primary
bacteria responsible for PID are Chlamydia and Gonorrhea,
although most PID infections are “polymicrobial” meaning
multiple bacteria are present in the same abscess collection.
Gonorrhea is thought to account for 40% of PID cases.
PID is most commonly asymptomatic, meaning that the majority
of PID cases have no symptoms at all. If symptomatic, PID
presents with any or all of the following: fever, vaginal
discharge, pelvic or abdominal pain, painful intercourse
and painful urination. Left untreated, almost half of Chlamydia
and Gonorrhea infections progress to PID. In the United
States, more than one million women each year seek treatment
for PID, and more than 100,000 women become infertile because
of this disease.
The best way
to avoid PID is to abstain from sex altogether. The next
best thing is to be selective about sexual partners.
If sexually active, it is best to have a monogamous relationship
with someone who is responsible and not infected with STI’s.
Young people should seek medical care as soon as a sexually-transmitted
pelvic infection is suspected, either because of symptoms
or because of known exposure to an infected sexual partner.
The sooner and more appropriate the treatment of PID, the
lower the risk of life-long sequalae and permanent damage
to the internal genital tract.
Long term issues related to PID include chronic pelvic
pain, pain during intercourse, increased risk for ectopic
or tubal pregnancy and most importantly, infertility. In
fact, 20% of women who develop PID will become infertile
and will never be able to become pregnant by natural means;
10% will suffer an ectopic pregnancy later in life or will
have problematic pregnancies.
A website has been developed to address the above topics
and much more. The site will go live in the next two months
under the URL, mybodyandme.org. It was created as a public
service to provide objective, scientific information intended
for teens, young adults and parents. Remember, knowledge
is power, and honesty fosters trust, critical elements
in any parent-child relationship.
Nicole Noyes, an Ob-GYN and Reproductive Endocrinologist,
is Associate Professor at the NYU School of Medicine specializing
in infertility, reproductive surgery and In Vitro Fertilization.
After repeated requests and questions from her daughters,
Dr Noyes has become a sex educator, teaching teens about
sexual and reproductive health.
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The
American Fertility Association, 305 Madison Avenue Suite
449, New York NY 10165.
Support Line: 888-917-3777. Fax: 718-601-7722. www.theafa.org |
